For five years I’ve been married to a very lovely man but the truth is that I’m not in love with him and I wasn’t the day I walked down the aisle.
I’m attracted to women and I’ve known it all my life, even if I have tried to bury it. I had one fling at university with a female friend, which was confusing and passionate, and then quickly fell into a series of relationships with kind, interesting, safe men.
I’ve recently felt the energy starting to drain out of me. I’m always tired and so my husband suggested I joined a local interest group to get me out of the house. I’ve met a kindred spirit there and although we haven’t spoken in depth, we are getting closer. She says she is also in a marriage that is no longer fulfilling her needs and I feel her looking at me in a way other women don’t.
When I missed a recent club meeting she messaged me saying she missed me. I think about her all the time, which makes me feel incredibly disloyal to my husband. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
GUILT is a nasty emotion — so use it to power you into leaving.
‘Do it for your husband if necessary,’ says James McConnachie, ‘because keeping him in a marriage with someone who doesn’t really love him is not being very kind.’
Coming out happens in steps. By writing to us you have made the hardest one: you have come out to yourself and finally accepted that your inner world should match your outer one. There are many ways to align them, says Rupert Smith.
‘For some, like me, it can mean guzzling half a bottle of gin, then blurting it all out in a tear-soaked confession over Sunday dinner,’ he says. ‘For you, it means sitting down with your husband and facing some inconvenient truths and reaching some decisions.’
This conversation will mark the end of your marriage, says Dr Angharad Rudkin.
‘Sad though this will be,’ she says, ‘it does mean that neither of you will waste any more time being with someone who can’t give them what they need.’
Try to reach an amicable separation.
‘Only then should you consider expressing your feelings to your friend,’ Rudkin continues. ‘Even if she is not the one for you, she will have helped you to clarify your needs and for that she will always be important.’
Finally, if you need help building courage, McConnachie suggests you read a book about coming-out stories. Val McDermid and Evan Davis edited a collection about celebrities called It’s OK To Be Gay (Accent Press).
‘You are not alone in all of this,’ he says. ‘And neither you nor your husband should spend your lives alone either.’